Review: Heinz Baked Beans

In front of me sits a small tin with turquoise, black and gold wrapping displaying the words “Heinz est. 1869 Baked Beans with tomato sauce. 57 varieties.” I am already impressed, not only by the longevity of the company but their ability to create so many different versions of the baked bean. Don’t be daunted by the history of this brand though, as Heinz have proved a successful household name for both rich and poor, although some favour economy or value brands because of the price difference. But the proof is in the rice pudding! I microwave the tin but soon realise I have to begin again because I forgot to open the tin, and my microwave is on the floor. I pop out to my friend Michael Barrymore’s to borrow his which unfortunately stank of chilli chowder, but nonetheless I start the heating process once over. I find that it is easier to heat them over the hob, so I adopt this method instead, with much success!! Barrymore drops in for a whole tin of Heinz, and we discuss our feelings on the fibre-filled food.

To my surprise they tasted nothing like beans at all - I felt cheated and bruised. I quickly remembered Bruce Forsythe's warning when I met him after Strictly Come Dancing "don't trust them, they're deceiving" - at the time I thought Bruce had gone mad, but now I realise he was talking about Heinz Baked Beans. Good old prudent Bruce.