News...

Following a visit from the cat burglar, residents at Beechtree Avenue have now taken extra precautions to hide their purses and their cats. The break-in took place on Sunday and was said to have been the most news-worthy story in the area for over a century. One local man described the incident as "absolutely spectacular" when asked to expand, he simply said "yes". Most of the inhabitants are old and are therefore hard of hearing, hence explaining their nonsensical answers. Police declared today that the suspect is of Caucasian influence however it being an entirely White town, this information has now been dismissed as useless.

This is you looking at me.

I must have passed out.

You have one new message.

Let this be a lesson to you.

I can't find my ticket.

I use Baby Johnson.

Ewwww mould.

When is your birthday?

It's only £3.50.

She is blatantly gonna win.

Wanna play a card game.

I finished series one.

Sausage and Mash.

Just adding to my postcard collection.

What's the time?

I was not ready for this weather.

Coca-Cola.

Last bus was at 18.30.

Me and Kurt.

Is there some sorta exercise for bladder strength?

Grease stains on wood.

Lets talk.

TV Juice

Hey Y'all,

So this 3-legged creature that me and Luigi always go on about - the one who is inappropriately named Andy = the ginger cat. Well he ended up on the roof somehow and here is the footage.

P.S hope everyone's summer is going well thus far :D

So the apple said to the caterpillar

sheesh y'all

I have noticed that We Don't Play Guitars has been lacking in blog posts nowadays....mainly due to exam priorities. And my God, isn't revision just the dullest thing? Yes, yes it is. Now onto more significant, and some might say, more interesting matters......the weekly shopping. This is where a group of housemates take turns on the computer and browse Tesco Online for food that they might need that week. It might be a loaf of bread or it might be some oven chips....but one thing is for sure - they will forget some items. Now this week I forgot quite a lot of items which resulted in me having to purchase them on the night we went out to a local bar. Now, I know what you're all thinking - dirty, pervy thoughts - but that's beside the point. Anyways so I had to buy a whole lotta stuff and carry it around with me in an unglamorous plastic bag......certainly not fit for a bar. Luckily our housemate Cecilia was carrying a big bag that night so she helped to lighten the burden a bit. I know you're all dying to know so here's what I had forgotten:

-Cheese (Cheddar)
-Cheese strings
-Shampoo & Conditioner
-Deodorant
-and some bin bags (which was more of a house issue)

Our time at the bar, named the Slug and Lettuce, was highly enjoyable. We sat outside by the riverside for the first half of the evening - which was frequently interrupted by a group of people on a boat who took turns pushing each other overboard, which at first was slightly entertaining but then just got annoying. Oh and I was also coaxed into acting out various facial expressions according to what my housemates shouted out....and thus resulted in a series of embarrassing photos on my camera. These shots, however funny or hilarious will not be published for the sake of those involved. All in all it was a good night but to be honest with y'all I should really be revising right now and not reminiscing......

Peace x

You've got to go steal a ham

So everyone has been reunited at Beechtree as of yesterday, and we're all working real hard on various projects relative to our degrees. Raz is examining insects' genitalia, Ana is working on her Hitchcock essay, Kate's watching a French film and C is....well she's doing God knows what, but we trust her. I have hiccups at present which is ever so frustrating, and I'm trying to revise some awful literature whilst writing about Spain. Andy is downstairs but is shedding fur faster than Raz devours a jar of olives, we're kinda reluctant to touch him. Raz had a hairbrain idea to 'wax' him using selotape to stop this problem but this failed and Andy got a bit annoyed...so we're all at a loss.

EXAMS start for us this week, Raz's start tomorrow (mwahaha) and I start on Fri but I have double the exams she does so according to Einstein's theory............I think we're even. Raz needs AAA batteries for her electronic dictionary btw, so if you have any they'd be greatly appreciated.

In other news Swine Flu is on the increase so Raz is warning the house not to buy bacon. Some of us did anyway but we can assure you it did not come from Mexico. Why is Danish bacon so special??? Does anyone know if cats can contract the disease?????

I have nothing else of interest to say today as my inspiration has been drained. I'd like some of you to pester Raz to write the next entry because...it's been a while since we've heard her words of wisdom! I'm beginning to question her commitment to the project, might have to change the blog to 'Luigi don't play guitars' unless she gets her ass out the dustbin and writes something GOOD!

Luigi x

There's a party in my belly button

Now Raz and myself may tend to exaggerate for dramatic effect, but here are some home truths (they are the truth) about us which you probably do not know.

Number a) neither of us can drive, if we were to drive I'd be in an eco friendly hybrid car and Raz would probably be in a cool retro car of the last Millenium or a gaz-guzzling Land Rover
b) we are both second year students at uni but neither of us know fo sho what we want to do 'when we grow up'...
c) neither of us drink coffee because we both get headaches of the painful variety
d) neither of us are actually FROM north London, but we've lived there longtym
e) we both like photography but we have very different styles. (Maybe we should upload more of our stuff?)
f) we kind of fit into the Howard/Vince complex (for those of you who don't know these guys, check out The Mighty Boosh on YouTube) Howard = me, Vince = Raz (to a certain extent)
g) we like Twitter
h) we're both really into politics and have a strong inexplicable attraction to Gordon Brown
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok there's one lie in there but which is it??

Peace out, and in the words of Benjamin Franklin, GOOD DAY SIRS

Luigi and Raz xxx

So much for that inspiring article

Dear everybody,
Following Sir_Almo's self-publicising (ahaha) on Twitter I decided to take note and promote this really cool London band. So, if you do one thing today, DON'T donate to LiveAid and DON'T sponsor a donkey, listen to Bloc Party. Btw these guys have been my favourite band for +5years so think twice before you criticise them.......not that you'll find reason to criticise them. Just don't listen to Raz on this one, she has the flu so her judgement has been temporarily corrupted. So yeah, check them out below!!!
Lots of love from Luigi xxx
P.S let's all wish Raz a speedy recovery :)

Twitter

Hi folks,

Me and Luigi have recently been engulfed by the Twitter bug so check us out if you are on there....just show some support God Damnit. Here are our carefully chosen alias ID's - it's TheRazz for moi and Luigles for guess who. And if you are disgusted by this shameless advertising, so you should be.

Love you's
xxx

Your ass is on FIRE! (RE: letter to my friend)

Dear Luigi,
I understand that times are difficult - Obama is stuck up a tree and Gordon Brown thinks he's a vampire - but that is no reason for you to make rash decisions such as that you have mentioned in your carefully crafted letter. I fear my life will go strange and awful places if you truly decide to become a nun. Nevertheless, I believe that the Sun has spoken in bright rays of nuggets of warm knowledge, and in the words of Elton John "DON'T RUIN MY TROUSERS" I beg you to reconsider. Having said that, deep down inside I believe this decision will be good for the both of us and so do my dogs. Listening to the birds tweet on a Tuesday morning is not a pretty sight but by God i've learnt to live with it, and maybe I'll learn to live with this. Bruce Forsythe sends his love, and has vowed to replace you as my lover from now on. I kindly reject this offer taking into account his clown feet and his big, pervy ancient binoculars. The time has come for me to wrap this up so I'll sign off with the precious philosophy of Elton John "Don't hurt those you love by making stupid decisions that don't even make sense yeh you stupid piece-a-shit, you lousy so and so"

Love Razzle

Mercury's in Retrograde (a letter to my friend)

Dear Raz,

I don't really know how to tell you this, I’m joining the Convent. I think I realised it when you smacked my ass at the Elton John concert and I saw you hit on the Catholic priest. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep your suicide note as a memory. You should also know that I never will forget that night and I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon.

Greetings to your frog Leonard,

Luigi x

the problem with onions.....and some delicious facts

they make me cry, they give me smelly breath, they isolate me from others, they think they are better than garlic, they do not have any sympathy, they can cause damage to the cornea, they mock your sensitivity, they exasperate lions.

Some facts about onions:
-In ancient Greece athletes ate lots of onions to lighten the balance of the blood
-During the Middle Ages, physcicians prescribed onions to alleviate headaches, snakebites and even hair loss
-onions were so important to Europeans that they used them as currency in the Middle Ages to pay for essentials such as rent. They were even given as gifts.

(by the way guys I am not talking gibberish, I found this info on a crop sheet about onions)

Acceptable in the 80's

A list of things that happened or were acceptable in the 80's:

- shoulder pads
- leg warmers
- plastic bags
- aerosol sprays
- clashing colours
- big, frizzy hair (I still carry this trend due to my Kurdish genes)
- slapping people every second friday of the month
- WHAM!
- jelly drinks (still available in our college shop)
- swearing at kids
- abusing colour
- Mohican
- Brylcreem
- MJ gloves
- the moonwalk
- homosexuality was considered a disease
- people used to think Car Wash's were a fun ride
- the hip-hop scene evolved
- me and Luigi were born to the delight of our blog followers
- doing the box in the club
- bandanas
- leotards
- Rubix cube
- David Bowie make-up
- using brocolli as an item of clothing
- Freddie Mercury moustache
- poop bags
- slapping other people's kids
- smashing plates
- peeping on your neighbours through a discreet hole in the wall
- sheep shagging
- men wearing tight short-shorts
- the colour orange

this list is welcome to suggestions :)

This aint't right

Listen, people if you're cool then you'll do the right thing and vote for me - Raz. I shall not be bribing anyone like Luigi since this is not cool. To conclude, I think you're all pretty cool for not giving a f*ck!

We hope all our followers are happy and if we could we would hug the shits out of you cuz your all such beautiful people, we love you all very much. Mwah Mwah Mwah

Shocky Rocky Horror

GUYS!! Come on, I'm not impressed with the poll result so far, the ONLY vote has gone to Raz, although I'm convinced she paid Bob's your uncle to vote for her. Sort it out. Everyone knows any girl pretending to be a guy called Luigi is worth something in the cool stakes!

Free pizzas to all who vote. (for me of course)

Luigi xxx

p.s. I thought you should all know, I set this as my profile picture on Facebook and it caused quite a stir....

An improvement, no?

Tales of Uranus

Good day to you! We appreciate that we have been crap at blogging recently and need to update you guys with our life happenings more often. So here we go. (This is Luigi by the by)

I skipped a German lecture on Brecht today and slept instead. I think Raz is still asleep downstairs (at 1pm). It’s sunny in England!! Spring is here I think, yesterday I had a picnic with a friend and did no work, good times. Raz and the rest of the house went to Richmond (gorgeous place just inside London, a bit posh) for a meal and drinks last night, I have yet to hear how it went, but I think they had a blast. From the past.

We entered some photos into an exhibition at our university (fire and water), the results are tomorrow, we hope we win something, even if it’s just some smoke and dry ice. We will post some of our submitted photos tomorrow. They are quite spectacular if you like Mother Nature and simple things.

Andy has been on a bite fest recently, attacking the locals and biting my housemates (he didn’t bite me though, go figure) and we have concluded that this is because either a) he needs attention or b) because he’s hungry and only the taste of human flesh satisfies him these days. I hope it’s the latter.

Both Raz and I have received quite a bit of unwanted attention from 2 males recently, I am suffering because my guy does the same course as me and I can’t ever seem to get away from him. He has been refused but remains hopeful. Raz’s guy is perhaps even more keen as all he did was rub some facemask on her hand before he was convinced it was love and now is persistently emailing her. After many obvious hints these guys still don’t seem to get the message, does anyone have any suggestions of how we can rid them FOR GOOD??

In other news, George Michael is set to play Maria in The Sound of Music this term for 6 weeks. Tickets on sale now. Raz has turned into a pretentious artiste, but I have a feeling this is just a phase.

Last week it was Lager Lout

Love Luigi and Raz xxx

Leave it to me homie

Me punchin my cousin....convincing?

A Day in Hats

Evil Zombie Snow Nazis

Guys check this out, its gona be a HIT lol














Trailer:
http://www.deadsnow.com/

Yesterday's Beef

Ok so it's Luigi here, I've been asked (nagged) by Raz to write an entry for the blog as my contributions have been notably lacking recently, so here it is.

The first piece of news concerns Raz funnily enough. She had been hand picked by the Italian chef Lucio Visconti to audition for the new "Parrrrsta, do you love it?" commercial for that new pasta brand, it looks quite good... (although I don't know why I wasn't picked, my name is Luigi for a reason) anyway I sneaked into the shoot and managed to take some snaps of Princess Pasta in action...

She was supposed to dress like an Italian but her false moustache kept falling into the food so Visconti discarded it and said she'd have to show off her dazzling teeth instead.

Visconti wasn't happy with this either so he then asked her to look like a messy pre-school child (image 1) eating her favourite food. She did this without fail.

HOWEVER, Visconti thought this looked too amateur Matthew Kelly circa 1987 so he requested that she look shocked, disgusted and angry with what she was eating. He described it as "audience expectation reversal technique", but I think he just wanted some catnip.

Which leads me on to my 2nd news topic, Andy the 3-legged cat is back in town!! I did a photoshoot with him today courtesy of Ryanair, and here are the results:

As you can see I got quite impatient with Andy and his silly expressions and actions, I was almost falling asleep. Bloody attention seeking cat.

In the last shot you can see Andy and I have a head-butting match, this was about the only time the silly creature looked awake. (I should mention at this point that he'd had a bit of a rough night last night, his student I.D got declined and he was refused entry to the following clubs: CATnip, ChunkyChickken, Furballz and My Fair Lady, so he drowned his sorrows in the pub with a hooker and pint of ale. The ale was followed by some tequila shots and Baileys, so he was proper hungover and crawled back home at the un-Godly hour of 5am, hence his fatigue)


In the end he won the headbutting match though, which cheered him and Visconti up A LOT, and the woes of the night before were long forgotten...

Love Luigi (just Luigi this time) xxx

Film crew and Chimp news

Peeps there is a film crew in our kitchen which means it has become very hard for us to reach some food without disrupting them. Our housemate Ana is filming for her media assignment so we're all gona have to tiptoe around for the day. Actually me and Luigi are gona fuck off to the library soon, cuz it's hard to concentrate here. Last night the cat was not at all impressed by my gymnastic moves, which I thought were quite good, instead he just ran for the door and asked to be let out - he's an insolent bugger, but what can you do. I need to start my essay, I need to start my essay, I need to start my essay! So yeh I need to start my essay, yesterday went so quickly and I hardly got any work done. I thought I was gona do loads - I cheated myself.

On a more interesting note, it has been predicted that Chimpanzee's will start verbally communicating by 2012 just in time for the London Olympics - what great timing those clever shits.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The cat must be taking some sort of illegal substances cuz he has now decided that he doesn't want CAT food. There's either something deeply wrong with him or he is seriously fucking us about. Either way we are not happy. So he can stay out! Eventually we'll feel bad and let him back in again. Just an inevitable process, he is simply too adorable to bear any long-term grudges against.

Mrs Doolittle has taken to posting useless notes through our door, she is a nice lady but god damn she can be too much sometimes. She has her weird ways, which is why we love her. We can only assume that her finger clicking abilities have improved since we last spoke face to face. She's got a thing about swimming costumes, although she rarely visits the local pool, which is a shame because I think she'd look fetching in the red Baywatch ones she bought over ebay last month. They were by far her best purchase to date. She's also got the best vintage boots I have ever seen, but she never wears them, it's like art to her. She's recently stopped buying bottled water in an attempt to save the planet yet she insists on keeping all her lights on. Her oxymoronic nature amuses me. Special emphasis should be drawn particularly to the moron part of that word.

This is us being CHAVS - for those of you who don't know what that is LOOK IT UP!
*note from Luigi* - if you can't be bothered to look it up (which I wouldnt expect you to if you're cool), here is the best definition, courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

6. chav
Emerging British subculture which is quickly becoming an epidemic. Chavs can be found the length and breadth of the country, hanging around any junk food outlet, off licence or just hanging around the streets, where they pass the time by vandalising property, drinking cheap cider, shouting abuse at passers by and terrorising old people.

Appearance: Chavs have a strict dress code. Designer labels are everything, although knocked off/fake items are almost de-rigeur. Typically, the male chav will wear a Nickelson or Schott hooded top, baggy tracksuit trousers, white designer trainers, and a baseball cap by burberry or Nike. The female chav (chavette) will have peroxide blonde hair scrunched so tight into a pony tail with colourful scrunchies that her forehead stretches. She will wear a dark blue tracksuit with white stripes, an enormous puffa jacket, hoop earrings, and white trainers. Female chavs are forbidden from wearing socks, and all chavs must wear as much fake gold jewellery as they can fit on their bodies. Mobiles are an added status symbol, and when equipped, the chav must shout into it in the most anti-social way possible, using at least one expletive and the word "innit" per second. Every other word in between should be unrecognisable to non-chavs.

(we do not usually dress like this - I repeat we DO NOT usually dress like this)

Currently...

Hey there boys and girls, im currently researching Plato's reasons for banning poetry from his ideal-state. Should be fun.

P.S - 9 AM starts should be banned because it is impossible to get there on time. Also I only got to sleep around 2AM so it was a struggle getting up this morning.

Hope all our followers are well and eating loads of satisfying food :)

Excuse me sir, your zip's undone!

So in the style of a real doofus I closed Ana's bedroom door last night, totally forgetting that it won't open again - unless she had the key on her, so I had to wait very anxiously until she got home from uni, hoping she had the key and I wouldn't have to pay £40 to have it opened!!

Thank god she did.

PS Cecilia, our housemate, burnt some fish last night, so when me and Luigi stepped through the door it smelt like the house was on fire and it also smelt like something very vulgar - but I won't state what, cuz it is simply too early in the morning. Plus the smell lingered for most of the evening despite our best efforts to get rid of it.

Had some weird dreams last night - I dreamt I had the biggest camera you have ever seen (and therefore the best) and I was travelling the world taking all these amazing shots, but when I got home and uploaded the pics, they were all of the same thing. It was very frustrating since I had spent all that time changing location etc etc.

Also my mum told me off in one of my dreams - like it's not enough that it happens daily - I have to dream about it as well!

The origins of the word mumbo-jumbo

I found this piece of information on Answers.com:

The term Mumbo-Jumbo dates back to the early eighteenth century, when it was reported as an image used by the Mundingo tribe in Gambia, Africa, to keep women in subjection. If the men had a dispute with the women, the "Mumbo-Jumbo" image was brought to adjudicate. This image was eight or nine feet high, made from the bark of trees, with straw on the head, and dressed in a long frock coat. A man of the tribe would be hidden under the coat, and would always give a judgment in favor of the men. The women would usually run away when he was brought to them, although he had power to make them come forward or sing and dance for his pleasure.

A secret society amongst the men maintained the tradition of the Mumbo-Jumbo, and its members were sworn to secrecy. No boy under sixteen was allowed to join.

Back in Egham

So me and Luigi returned to Egham today from London to continue the final leg of our uni studies (of the second year that is) still got another year to go before we graduate and then become confused about our lives and panic and proceed with further education - Masters etc. Still can't believe how quick this year has gone, only 5 weeks til we break up - and then REVISION begins - god I hate revision. Then exams (which I think are alright, but Luigi begs to differ). Hopefully after exam shizzle is over we will have a grand house party to celebrate.....would love to have a house party now but we're all FAR too busy at the moment. Then its time to find a summer job - which is gona be extra hard cuz of the shitty economy - everyone is getting fired rather than hired. Rent is going up next year so will probably do ANY job (with obvious exceptions). Would have been nice to go on a little holiday but circumstance dictates. Also we're both very keen to get our driving licences this summer, but i'm having second thoughts about this since I found out the average costs. Will see anyway. Packing is the biggest chore ever. Gotta try and remember everything you packed in the first place. I've probably left some books in London resulting in yet more library fines. I think my card must be blocked by now. Had a minor mouse scare when the bins were discovered with various holes in them. However, findings later showed this was the work of a certain 3-legged cat called Andy. I've missed him and his strange ways. Need to do a massive Tesco online shop tonight - have no food left. Will write more posts soon - if I don't starve!

Book Quote of the Day

Currently writing about this book for one of my essays, it's entitled 'A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters' by Julian Barnes:

"His age and status induced in me the normal mixture of deference, fear and cheek. His decrepitude - the historically stained clothes, that dangle of egg-white slobber from the chin - set off in me a general adolescent anger against life and its inevitable valedictory condition: a feeling which smoothly translated itself into hatred of the person undergoing that condition. His daughter fed him on tins of baby food, which again confirmed for me the sour joke of existence"

(page 205)

Craving

So I just got a sudden craving for Chocolate cake and thought I'd tell the whole wide (blog) world.



P.S sorry folks for the lack of posts recently - both myself and Luigi are extremely worn out with writing essays for our demanding university courses and as a result we have acquired a temporary phobia of writing. We would like to stress again the non-permenant nature of this phobia and would like to reassure our ardent followers that we will be back and fighting fit in no time!

Love you all xxx

Raz and Luigi

Goat held accused of being a car thief

Published Date: 24th January 2009 (we were a little slow hearing about this)

POLICE in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. Vigilantes took the beast to the police saying it was a thief who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest when being pursued after trying to steal a car.
"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody," said Tunde Mohammed a Kwara state police spokesman.

Source: The Scotsman, Edinburgh
http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/weirdoddandquirkystories/Goat-held-accused-of-being.4909823.jp

Morning Slags

*Updates*

Luigi has decided to travel to Gambia in order to trace her half brother - Plato. She is confident he will be there, though she has no concrete proof. I wish her all the best yet I remain doubtful. Here is a list of items that she has packed:

>Toothbrush
>Passport
>Sopranos (series 1&2)
>Some dried Brocolli
>A Mexican Flag
>Two Stamps
>An Apple Shaped Clock (as a present for her lost half-brother)
>A copy of the European Union legislations
>Some juju beads
>January's issue of Cat Fancy magazine
>A guitar
>A tub of home-made humus
>A Swedish delicacy
>A bottle of wine (to celebrate if she finds Plato)
>And a pair of hand-made sandals

She is very excited about the trip, and your words of support would mean a lot to her.
xxx


In Other News
>We recently found out that Andy, our cat, has a strong dislike for humus (this made us mournful for about 2 days!!)